another sad news came into our life when we lost our sunshine.. our little angel.. our baby boy..

it’s all come so fast and unpredictable. It happened on Tuesday (April 15th 2014), when I woke up with fever. But as usually, I always think it will disappear by it’s self (however, it’s just a fever).

So, I told my husband to hug me and I said I got fever. He ask me to rest or took some pills but I insist for not took any pills cause I’m pregnant. And I still went to office and work as my routine activity. But I realize, I’m really sick. I don’t like to eat and got headache.

so, in the afternoon around 1.30pm, I went home to rest. I took my panadol and try to sleep. Suddenly I woke up cause I felt something wet under my pant. That’s when I realize I got bleeding. I went to toilet for pee and suddenly blood just came out like menstruation. I got panic, I called the doctor and he said that it’s okay. But when I see the blood still come out, I call the doctor and he suggest me to go to emergency straight away.

at 4pm, I went to emergency while my husband still on the way back to Semarang from Jepara. At 6pm, I went to the room and then my husband arrived. The nurse ask me for not walk and just stay in the bed all the time. Around 10.30pm, the doctor come and check by USG. He said the baby was fine but I have Placenta Previa (Placenta previa is a problem of pregnancy in which the placenta grows in the lowest part of the womb (uterus) and covers all or part of the opening to the cervix. The placenta grows during pregnancy and feeds the developing baby. The cervix is the opening to the birth canal). But he said everything was fine, and tomorrow morning he will do some test.

The next morning, when my husband back home to work, around 11am, the nurse bring me to the doctor to check the vagina (to see if there is any infection etc). When he check, suddenly he got surprise and said “aduh..”, at the time I knew, something wasn’t right. I ask him, what happen. And he just said “the sac already come out and there is nothing we can do, the baby cant be saved”. and yes, all the world just fall down in pieces.. I cant think, I just can cry.. all the way back to my room..

straight away, I call my husband and give the bad news, he just deny it and always said “ how could this happen? last night he checked everything was fine..” and he suddenly came to the hospital and I just continue cry…

at night, the doctor check again and he show my husband the sac and another statement that nothing we can do to help it. So, he suggest me to give birth and bedrest or do induction and give birth at hospital. We took the 2nd option cause my husband think that is the best way instead of I’ll feel cramp at home and it will makes me trauma.

So, on Thursday at 12pm, they do induction.. unfortunately I don’t feel any cramp just blood still come out. And on Friday afternoon after lunch, they give me pills to make contraction, and it’s work. Around 1.45pm, I feel the contraction.. it’s painful and blood more come out. then suddenly I feel something inside wanna come out. I press the button to call the nurse and when she came, she’s panic also. The process of give birth starting.

 they prepare the tools and my husband just arrived, he hold my hand and ask me to take a deep breath, it was so quick. at 2.37pm, my baby was born.. The doctor offer me to open the sac and see the gender but my husband refuse it. He said that it not good for me, for us, to remember our baby that way. He wants me to remember when I still have the baby in my womb, feel the heart beat and feel the moves.

But the doctor show us, our baby.. so cute.. so tiny.. so peaceful.. still remember the shape of the baby.. still remember his nose, eyes, lips, hands, nails, legs.. he just so perfect for me.. When the doctor wanna turn the baby around, he saw something between the leg and suddenly he said “congratulation mam, your baby is a boy”.. Yes, I have a baby boy..

Me and my husband just holding hands and crying.. This is our second time for lost our baby.. still blaming my self, I should see the doctor when I feel fever, I should drink a lot of water, I should be more concern with my health.. cause we just realize, I got the urinary infection, that’s make me fever and without we knew it, I got contraction at the hospital that makes the sac come out.

it was unplanned moment.. it just a shocking moment.. and now I still feel the sadness, I don’t know how long it last.. but forever, he will always be my baby.. he made me a mom even for the short time.. and yes, I have a baby boy.. his name Charles Giguere.. and He is on heaven now.. watching over me !!!

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In a Memorial of our baby boy, Charles Giguere.. May You Rest in Peace


image(5) image(7)I never got to hear your cry..

I never saw your beautiful eyes..

I never touched your soft skin..

I never saw your feet kick..

I never got a chance to hold you in my arms..

I never got a chance to change your diapers..

But you are MY ANGEL..

and you will forever be missed …

(your beloved parents)