18th July, 2013, I just found out that Im pregnant.. All feeling came together .. happy, confuse, surprise, afraid, excited, etc.. I wrote this news on my previous writing.. Then when it’s time to check my pregnancy (after my holiday in Bali and my busy week with meeting and briefing), I went to doctor alone and my husband will join me there. It’s on Wednesday (14th August, 2013).

As usual, the doctor will check by usg, but she can’t see anything then she said we need to do transvaginal USG. She said it’s not harm the pregnancy. When she did the transvaginal, she said she can’t see the fetus. But the sac is growing.. Now it’s 34,7 mm. The 1st USG is 18,8mm. 2nd USG is 22,2 mm. But the fetus isn’t there anymore and she suggest to do kuretase. I was shocked at that time, I can’t think or even talk until my husband came. He think that I would give news if our baby are twin (cause he has twin in his family) but when we both see the doctor, I just cried and He hold my hands.. I could see how shock he is..

After the hospital, during on the way back home, I can’t stop cried and keep questioning “how could it be”.. we both just shocked but luckily at the time, my husband could think rational and ask me for not blame my self.  When we arrived at home, we talked to our son that we lost the baby. And I just hide in my room, keep questioning why it all happened to me.. Still can’t believe it happen and still can’t find the answer why it’s happen.. I even can’t sleep.. cried all night long and really down mentally..

The next day (15th August), I said to my husband that I wanna buy a hope.. So, we went to another hospital.. When the doctor did USG, he said the sac is normal and the fetus is there. Me and my husband just look at each other then we told the story last night.. The doctor give opinion to wait for another week and we will the see the growing but in USG, the week is not exactly the same week of my pregnancy. It supposed to be 9 weeks but it just 6 weeks. Then he suggest us to see another doctor and do another USG.

So, we went to other hospital, we do USG ultrasonografi. When we are inside, the doctor checked for the fetus, she said the fetus is there but there are no heart beat.. She recommend us to go see the other doctor to give explanation about the result. Unfortunately, when we arrived there, the doctor already went home, so we need to wait for tomorrow.

The next day (16th August), we went to the hospital earlier, we gave the result and the doctor make conclusion that the baby already passed away and we need to clean it soon. At the time, I still bargain with the doctor.. keep looking for some home.. what if, the fetus just shy or the heart beat is so low that USG can’t detect.. and all “what if” keep running in my mind until my husband talk to me.. He said “maybe we could make it breath, make the baby’s heart beating.. but is it normal? will the baby will live normal, and will you able to see your baby live not normal? We not kill the baby, the baby just not there anymore.. we need to clean, so you can be in shape again”.. I just quiet and keep crying..

in the evening, we see the doctor and we register for kuretase. She gave me some pills to take so It will be easy for the surgical abortion. In the night I felt so painful on my stomach, blood start to came out like menstruation and In the morning when I wanna shower, something just came out.. and we believe that’s the baby.. I just so shocked and my husband helps me take care of everything..

In the morning (17th August), we went to hospital for the kuretase.. Before the kuretase, the doctor did USG for the last check. She said the baby already out but still some things need to be clean. After they put me in the surgery room and give me injection.. after I just forgot everything.. when Im awake.. I just can hear sound but still can’t open my eyes.. I just knew I’m in the room while my husband holding my hands.. I feel nothing.. just sad.. a tons of sad.. Then I ask my husband to bring me home.. I just wanna be home.. I don’t wanna stay in the hospital too long.. I just cant face my sadness..

Until now, I still keep questioning.. how could this happen.. but no answer.. its too much possibility why it’s happen. But I still keep my faith on.. God have a better plan for me and my husband.. He knew we are not ready yet.. He knew the best for our marriage.. I keep questioning, Im still in my sadness stage but deep inside my heart, I believe on HIS plan.. I just need time to recover..

The day after the kuretase, I got broadcast message.. and looks like it answer my question.. Here is the message : “Untuk mendapatkan apa yang tidak perah kamu miliki, kamu harus melakukan apa yang tidak pernah kamu lakukan. Ketika TUHAN mengambil sesuatu dari genggamanmu, dia tidak bermaksud untuk menghukum kamu. DIa hanya membuka tangan kamu untuk menerima sesuatu yang lebih baik lagi. Rencana TUHAN tidak akan pernah membawa kamu pada suatu keadaan dimana kasih karunia TUHAN tidak menyertai kamu”

I still remember how my partner ever said when she wanna cheer me up.. She said “My sister, be strong.. GOD know if you want a baby girl.. this time is not a girl, so GOD took it away again.. HE prepare something better.. He prepare a baby girl for you.. like what you wish for”..

I’m grateful I have many friends who love and support me.. I have great husband.. I have great life.. I have seen what I can’t seen before.. A big great thanks to all my friends for their support and care.. to my husband who try to being there for me.. for my family, my mom & dad, sister, brother… For my mother in law who try to support me and give me a call from Canada, for my husband’s family.. I am blessed.. GOD still love me.. HE just have a better plan for me.. and I believe on HIM..

It’s Tuesday, August 20th 2013.. I just wanna remember my baby in my own way.. Im so glad for ever having you in my life.. even only for a while, I’m still thankful for that short moment.. for got a chance of being a mom.. and I just wanna say.. “Je t’aime mon bébé.. bon voyage..”

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